A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."

Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"


A handsome and burly young Scotsman is with his friends drinking whiskey and telling lies at the village pub until the wee hours of the morning. Deciding that he'd better start the long walk home while he still can, he shares one more, and heads for home.

After walking a couple of miles along the country road at night, he decides he is just too tired to go any further, and decides to sit down and rest against a tree at the side of the road for a bit, and soon, passes out completely.

After the morning sun has risen, a pretty young girl is walking along the same road when she spots the man all laid out and unconscious. She carefully approaches to see if he's alive or dead, and soon finds that he is breathing quite well indeed, and smells the whiskey on his breath. Knowing that he is unlikely to wake easily, devilish curiousity get the better of her, and she ventures a look to see what he has under his kilt. Observing one of life's ironies, she finds the pride of his manhood at full attention. Liking what she sees, she pulls a fine blue ribbon from her hair, and ties it around the man's "little soldier" with a pretty bow, and then runs on down the road, giggling.

Some hours later, the man finally awakes, rubs his face, and with some effort, gets to his feet. Looking around and seeing no one, he decides to relieve himself of the previous night's liquid refreshment. Very much surprised by the ribbon, he exclaims, "Aye, laddie! I don't where you been last night ... but it appears that you won first prize!"