"When I was much younger, I was conceited. Everybody said so. But that's all changed, that's all behind me. Now I'm perfect." -Victor Borge, as Franz Liszt


Abraham Lincoln, upon being accused of being "two-faced" by a political rival, replied, "If I had more than one face, do you think I'd be using this one?"


Here are some Will Rogers classics:

"Don't squat with yer spurs on."

"Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment."

"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in."

"If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there."

"If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around."

"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut."

"Never kick a cow chip on a hot day."

"There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works."

"If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'."

"Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco."

"It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep."

"Always drink upstream from the herd."

"When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person don't be surprised if they learn their lesson."

"When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else."

"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it backin your pocket."

"Never miss a good chance to shut up."

"There are three kinds of men: The one that learns by reading, the few who learn by observation and the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."


-Vice President J. Danforth "Dan" Quayle:

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." -Hawaii, 1989

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -9/15/88

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." -12/6/89

"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
-- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card.

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -11/30/88

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."

"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in theworld." -9/21/88

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." -Esquire, 8/92

"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year." -8/18/92

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -9/22/90

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." -9/5/90

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." -9/18/90

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"Public speaking is very easy." -to reporters in 10/88


If you love something, set it free.  If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it!
    -Scott Forbes


Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
     -Woody Allen


Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
     -Woody Allen


"Some people, you have to give money to in order to be good... but you're good for nothing!"



"Oh, no, children! You don't pay a prostitute for sex. You pay her to leave afterward."

-Chef, South Park.


Groucho Marx:

* Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

* Room service? Send up a larger room.

* Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

* I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

* I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know.

* Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

* I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

* If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

* I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

* Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

* Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.


Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because, if we were supposed to live forever, then we sould live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-Mariah Carey


"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
-Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show


"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal antismpoking campaign


"We're goind to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks


"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President."
-Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoened documents


"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-former French President Charles De Gaulle


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-former Mayor Marion Berry, Washington, D.C.


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle


Back in the 1930s, when BBC radio first did live outside broadcasts Lady Cunard was interviewd on her horse after a day's hunting.

The nervous young reporter commented that her horse appeared to be perspiring and Lady Cunard, who had a 'fast' reputation, replied: "Young man, if you'd been between my thighs for three hours, you'd be sweating too!"

This went out live on the wireless (radio).


What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
-Marilyn Pittman


When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
-Robin Williams


The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them.  Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews.  Bottle openers.  Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off.  I've got the toe clippers right here.
-Jerry Seinfeld


A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study, "Duh".
-Conan O'Brien


Relationships are hard.  It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
-Bob Ettinger


The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.  Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
-Rita Mae Brown


I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
-Richard Jeni


Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
-Paul Rodriguez


Why is it that when we talk to God, we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?
- Lily Tomlin

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
-Jerry Seinfeld


Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same.
-Oscar Wilde


In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
- Warren Hutcherson


Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player.
-Marsha Warfield


I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-Jeff Stilson


Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: "This looks much better on." On what? On fire?
-Marsha Warfield


I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-Rita Rudner


I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.  So I grew hair under my arms instead.
-Sue Kolinsky


The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day, you're off it.
-Jackie Gleason


The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
-Roger Simon


If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
- George Gobel


Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning, buy it back for seventy-five cents.
-William Coronel


I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-A. Whitney Brown


Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
-A. Whitney Brown


I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
-Lily Tomlin


"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job."
-George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign


"This is a great day for France!"
-Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral


"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know?... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"
-George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students


"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...setbacks."
-George Bush


"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore... that is, Maryland."
-William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address


"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at."
-George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline


"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me."
-George Bush


"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed."
-Ronald Reagan


"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
-Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on


"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed."
-Ronald Reagan


Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.
George Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.
    -Presidential Debate


"Bite the wax tadpole."
- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese


"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."
- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese


"I am a jelly doughnut."
-English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall


"We pray for MacArthur's erection."
 -Japanese citizen in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President


"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
-from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991


"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."
 -Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad


"I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that."
-Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona


"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States."
-Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972


"Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused."
-correction printed in The Daily Californian


"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!"
-Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer


"I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?"
-announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience


"They X-Rayed my head and found nothing. "
-Jerome "Dizzy" Dean